MARINE CORPS BASE QUANTICO, Va. – During his recent reenlistment ceremony, 1st Sgt. Mike Greenwell made the shocking announcement that he walks on the grass on base, sources confirmed today.

“Thank you all for being here to support me, but I just gotta get this off my chest,” Greenwell said during the ceremony. “I … walk on the grass when no one is looking.”

Shock and disbelief spread rapidly among the large gathering of friends, family, and coworkers forced to attend Greenwell’s eighth reenlistment ceremony.

“Oh man, I don’t know what to think now,” muttered Sgt. Luis Rivera. “Next he’s gonna say he doesn’t ‘get some for Chesty.’”