Marine Corps excited not to be first to infect everyone this time

PENTAGON — As the Joint Chiefs of Staff (JCS) settle in for a two-week quarantine following Coast Guard Vice Commandant Charles W. Ray’s positive coronavirus test, Marine Corps Commandant General David H. Berger celebrated the Corps’ failure to be “first in.”

“I know being first in, last out is a point of pride for Marines, but when it comes to COVID-19, thank Christ that jackass Ray got in before we could,” Berger said.

At least nine senior defense leaders, including JCS members, were exposed to the COVID-carrying admiral at a Pentagon meeting last week. General Berger was not present at the potential super-spreader event due to his standing policy of avoiding all Coast Guard-attended meetings.

The Coast Guard’s ability to beat the other services at anything astounded military leaders. The Marine Corps is well known for its fighting prowess, rapid response, and ability to spread gross, mostly genital-based, diseases like wildfire. The Coast Guard’s penetration of Pentagon defenses to deliver COVID-19 right to the Joint Chiefs’ doorstep was right out of the Marine Corps’ playbook. Instead of getting jealous over being one-upped by a Coastie, Berger was delighted that his Marines were not responsible for the communicable disease spread.

“Ah, let the Coasties have this one,” said Berger. “We’ll stick to the fun stuff like herpes and divorce!”

Whiskey Fueled Tirade contributed to the Combat Camera photography crew.