QUANTICO, Va. — In a misguided attempt to awaken the warrior spirit of the Corps, a seance conducted by senior officers at Henderson Hall went awry when thousands of fallen Marines began rising from their graves at Arlington National Cemetery this week.

"We figured holding a seance was just as silly as all the other superfluous stuff we were doing to awaken the Corps' warrior spirit," said Col. Al Crowley, who had been acting as lead ceremonial cultist. "We never realized the second and third order of effects unleashing these occult forces would cause."

Visitors to the hallowed national cemetery fled in panic as the undead began to alternatively whistle and wolf call at women. Others reported some of the walking dead outright propositioned them.