Marine Corps Spiritual Reawakening Inadvertently Causes Zombie Apocalypse
QUANTICO, Va. — In a misguided attempt to awaken the warrior spirit of the Corps, a seance conducted by senior officers at Henderson Hall went awry when thousands of fallen Marines began rising from their graves at Arlington National Cemetery this week.
"We figured holding a seance was just as silly as all the other superfluous stuff we were doing to awaken the Corps' warrior spirit," said Col. Al Crowley, who had been acting as lead ceremonial cultist. "We never realized the second and third order of effects unleashing these occult forces would cause."
Visitors to the hallowed national cemetery fled in panic as the undead began to alternatively whistle and wolf call at women. Others reported some of the walking dead outright propositioned them.
"A skeleton in dress blues asked if I wanted a mustache ride," said one woman visitor. "He kept putting his boney hands on my behind and he didn't even have a face!"
Incidents of hazing were reported as reanimated sergeants began to force patrons …
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