Marine crayon eating competition goes horribly wrong

CHERRY POINT, N.C. — Catastrophe has consumed Marine Corps Air Station Cherry Point after a Marine died of crayon consumption, what sources call "one of the top three worst case scenarios for Marines." Now investigators are trying to determine how this could have happened.

An inquiry into the command climate concerning crayon consumption is currently being coordinated by the brass at Camp Lejeune. Of chief concern is whether or not Charlie Company was complying with the crayon consumption code by sticking to the three Cs: color, crunch, and chew.

Navy Lt. Doug Forsythe is conducting the JAGMAN investigation, and has focused his efforts on "C3."

"Our preliminary interviews have revealed that apparently no one told Pfc. [Mykal] Smith he needed to chew the crayons," Forsythe said.

"The Marine Corps has long been known for their ability to shut up and color, and there has never been an instance throughout its beautiful history to declare anything contrary to that fact," Forsythe added as Charlie Company's snipers watched from a hide on a hilltop nearby.

Individuals who were present at the crayon eating competition have cited the lack of specific instructions from higher. The three Cs were mentioned, but only the first two were defined, and the third C was considered an implied task.

Four Marines in addition to Smith were hospitalized, and one Air Force liaison officer is in critical condition after drinking too much champagne and choking on his caviar.