SCOTTSDALE, AZ — A Marine reservist is in critical condition after grappling with a fully grown grizzly bear yesterday in his suburban home.
Similar in vein to several recent incidents, the bear broke into the home of Sergeant Sean Bush, who promptly engaged the gargantuan grizzly in hand-to-hand combat.
"I was just sitting in my room around midnight, playing some Skyrim, when I heard a crash from downstairs. When I went to investigate, I couldn't believe what I saw."
The sergeant says that was when his instincts took over.
"Then my training kicked in, and I assumed a good basic warrior stance."
Marine Corps Martial Arts Program (MCMAP) Instructor Sergeant Jon Coley says that while MCMAP is very effective for neutralizing an opponent in close quarters, hand-to-hand engagements are "not very effective against a 450-fucking-pound, razor clawed death machine."
That didn't stop Sgt Bush from trying to pacify the ursine behemoth with a rear naked choke. When that failed, according to his statement, he attempted to mount the bear and place it in a side-arm bar, screaming, "you tap or I snap," in hopes that the bear would quit before sustaining injury.
"I knew there were more advanced moves I could have pulled on the bear," lamented Sgt Bush from the intensive care unit. "But I'm just a gray belt; more intense grappling moves don't come until you move up to green and brown."
Sgt Coley shakes his head as he reviews the MCMAP log book discovered on Sgt Bush's bedside table.
"Look at this. He hasn't even logged any hours training for green. No way he could have handled that thing. Only a seasoned brown belt or an expert in Rex Kwon Do would have been able to subdue that monster."
Police officers, who arrived on scene shortly after receiving a phone call from a concerned neighbor, found Sgt Bush on his living room floor, barely conscious and covered in his own blood, muttering verses from the Marine's Hymn. The bear was nowhere to be found.
Investigators suspect the culprit to be Petty Officer 2nd Class Eugene Bear, who was recently reported as drunkenly brawling with other Marines in local bars.