USMC 'Training and Education 2030' calls for 70% Marine literacy within decade
Out: Coloring books and crayons. In: Comic books and Letters to Penthouse
Yut. Rah? Rah.
THE PENTAGON — The Marine Corps’ latest sequel to Force Design 2030—Training and Education 2030—is aimed at overhauling the service’s instructional continuum to prepare Marines for 21st-century conflict. But first, it needs a Marine Corps that can read it.
“A warfighting capability is only as effective as the Marines employing it,” General David Berger, Commandant of the Marine Corps, told reporters. “Tomorrow’s all-domain battlefield is filled with challenges that require cognitive overmatch as much as material superiority.”
“‘Training and Education 2030’ aims squarely at improving the cognitive dominance of the individual Marine, by teaching Marines to read at a 2nd-grade level, which would be a three-grade-level improvement over today,” Berger added.
Berger acknowledged that this would be an uphill battle. “We always joke about how Marines read at a third-grade level, but now, with hard work, we might get close. The problems of the 21st century demand more of our Marines, and Sergeant Major Black and I think ‘Training and Education 2030’ will get us there.”
Sgt. Major Troy Black, 19th Sergeant Major of the Marine Corps, agreed. “I’ve been in the Marine Corps a long time—joined up when Christ was a corporal—and back then you only learned to read just well enough to know which logs of dip were in stock at the exchange. Hell, we barely even needed to know how to talk.”
“I could use nothing but the words ‘yut’ and ‘ooh-rah’ to deliver a full operations order with annexes for conducting a company-sized attack, and every Marine in every platoon knew exactly what to do. But that doesn’t cut it today, rah?”
General Berger said that his approach to expanding Marines’ literacy would take a blended approach, taking content Marines are already interested in and using it as a platform for expanding the vocabulary of the individual Marine.
“This very moment I have curriculum developers at Marine Corps University drafting a syllabus that will use TikTok dance videos for word association. As each video is played, multiple-choice questions will pop up, forcing the viewer to think critically about what they’re watching.”
Marine Corps University Professor of Wording Dick Enjane, says, “The currac—, curricum— The lesson plan will ask questions like ‘What part of the body is this dancer twerking?’ And the beauty of this syllabus is that all of the answers will be valid, so you could pick ‘booty’ or ‘badonkadonk’ or ‘fart box’ or ‘money maker,’ and not only will you always pick a correct answer—using positive reinforcement for learning—but you’ll have learned three other synonyms for that word at the same time.”
Fellow Professor of Letterstuff, Seespot Rahn, added, “Each question thus expands a Marine’s vocabulary by 75 percent. That’s where real literacy growth begins. And then we can teach them all the letters in ‘sergeant major,’ because for some reason, Marines can’t pronounce the ‘g’ sound in it, and most miss the "‘eh’ sound, too.”
When asked about the security risk of using TikTok as an educational tool, Black acknowledged that he would have preferred using another app. “But there are realities we have to deal with. One, we know our Marines are already using TikTok,” Black said.
“I can’t tell you the number of phone calls I’ve gotten from senior enlisted leaders around the fleet warning me about some viral video with a Marine asking a goddamn Kardashian to the birthday ball, or riding a floor buffer down an escalator while wearing nothing but a light coat of K-Y jelly. So we’re just meeting Marines where they are.”
“And two, China’s already hacked anything that’s important to us. I’ve had to order a new fucking debit card every three weeks since the goddamn Chi-coms hacked OPM in 2015. At this point, might as well make the enemy’s tools work for us.”
At press time, General Berger and Sergeant Major Black were sharing their excitement with each other about phase two of “Training and Education 2030,” which would use augmented reality simulations to teach Marines how to write with crayons, rather than eat them.
Kay Too Ess Ohhhhh finds your excuses vague and unconvincing.