'My Recruiter Fucked Me,' Laments Marine On Recruiting Duty

BRISTOL, Conn. — A Marine recruiter stationed at a recruiting substation in Bristol is pretty sure that his horrible excuse for a life is all the result of "that scumbag" who talked to him about joining the Corps nearly eight years ago, sources confirmed today.

"My recruiter fucked me, there's no doubt in my mind," said Sgt. Randall Travis, a recruiter currently struggling to make his quota, forcing him to work seven days a week.

“I’m not a salesman,” Travis said, contrasting his own integrity with that of his "dirtbag recruiter" of the past. “I offer the Marine Corps as an option, but I don’t get all hyped up and show emotion to sell someone into joining the Corps.”

Then-Staff Sgt. Adrian Gonzalez spoke with Travis when he was a high school senior, promising him adventure and the opportunity to serve his country back in 2006.

"That piece of shit told me the price of hookers from Kuala Lumpur to Melbourne, yet the only thing that's fucked me has been the big green weenie," Travis told reporters from his office, before being told to "hit the goddamn phones" by his supervisor. "If I ever see that son-of-a-bitch again, I'll kill him. Bastard is probably living it up right now while I'm in this hellhole."

During an interview with reporters, Travis repeatedly had to pause to continue his work of finding young men and women who may one day become U.S. Marines.

"Hi, is this Jason ... hi Jason. This is Sgt. Travis, United States Marine Corps," he said in one phone call. "Yes, I'd like to talk to you about the amazing opportunities to excel in the military."

"College? Oh that's bullshit man. You can go to college and do the Corps at the same time, totally no problem. The Corps even pays for the entire thing too," Travis told his prospect.

Travis' anger over his recruiter's misdeeds came early in his career, soon after he went to military intelligence school and learned his job would mostly consist of making maps all day. "The asshole actually said I would practically be like a CIA agent," said Travis. "The fucking nerve."

The interview was unfortunately cut short, as Travis had a potential recruit come into the office early for a meeting he had scheduled.

"Oh hey bro, here comes James Bond strutting in," Travis told the recruit, who has been leaning towards the intelligence field but will soon sign a contract for Bulk Fuel Specialist. "This man right here is going to be saving the entire fucking world."