BRISTOL, Conn. — A Marine recruiter stationed at a recruiting substation in Bristol is pretty sure that his horrible excuse for a life is all the result of "that scumbag" who talked to him about joining the Corps nearly eight years ago, sources confirmed today.

"My recruiter fucked me, there's no doubt in my mind," said Sgt. Randall Travis, a recruiter currently struggling to make his quota, forcing him to work seven days a week.

“I’m not a salesman,” Travis said, contrasting his own integrity with that of his "dirtbag recruiter" of the past. “I offer the Marine Corps as an option, but I don’t get all hyped up and show emotion to sell someone into joining the Corps.”

Then-Staff Sgt. Adrian Gonzalez spoke with Travis when he was a high school senior, promising him adventure and the opportunity to serve his country back in 2006.