Marine who hasn't slept in 32 hours is lazy and undisciplined, platoon sergeant reports

CAMP PENDLETON, Calif. — A U.S. Marine currently experiencing neurological degeneration due to severe sleep deprivation is lazy and incredibly undisciplined, his platoon sergeant says.

Cpl. Michael Rodriguez, a mortar squad leader with 1st Battalion, 5th Marines, was informally counseled for numerous offenses today, including his struggling to hold his eyes open, and taking several seconds longer than expected to provide accountability for his squad.

The counseling came just hours after Rodriguez finished a night of barracks duty the day before and reported to the armory at 4 a.m. for a field exercise.

"WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU, ANYWAY?" Staff Sgt. Samuel Brink reportedly yelled at the corporal experiencing significantly reduced blood flow to his prefrontal cortex as a natural result of sleep deprivation.

"GENERAL LACK OF GODDAMN DISCIPLINE, I THINK. OR AM I BEING UNREASONABLE?" roared the staff sergeant, who was as irritated with the corporal as he was unaware that lack of sleep inhibits the brain's ability to produce emotionally measured and appropriate responses to external stimuli.

Rodriguez, who had not actually failed in any of his responsibilities as a squad leader despite the accumulation of proteins clogging neural pathways in his brain, was reportedly dismissed when he was unable to articulate a satisfactory explanation for his apparent "gross lack of giving a fuck."

At press time, Rodriguez had just been assigned to drive a 7-ton truck carrying a dozen fellow Marines back to the armory despite operating with a cognitive impairment level equivalent to a 0.12 blood alcohol content.