CAMP LEJEUNE, N.C. – Corporal Jason Smyers spent the entirety of his weekend in the head following a two-week training exercise in the middle of nowhere, sources confirmed today.
“Ah, finally. It’s just me and you, you dirty girl,” Smyers allegedly told the innocent, porcelain bowl while lighting an aromatic candle and strewing rose petals on the cold linoleum deck. “I’m gonna crap all over you like they’ve been crappin’ on me.”
Smyers immediately gulped down a large cup of black coffee and threw in a generous pinch of Copenhagen upon arriving at the barracks, before easing himself into the cool embrace of the toilet seat, whistling gaily.
