CAMP LEJEUNE, N.C. – Corporal Jason Smyers spent the entirety of his weekend in the head following a two-week training exercise in the middle of nowhere, sources confirmed today.

“Ah, finally. It’s just me and you, you dirty girl,” Smyers allegedly told the innocent, porcelain bowl while lighting an aromatic candle and strewing rose petals on the cold linoleum deck. “I’m gonna crap all over you like they’ve been crappin’ on me.”

Smyers immediately gulped down a large cup of black coffee and threw in a generous pinch of Copenhagen upon arriving at the barracks, before easing himself into the cool embrace of the toilet seat, whistling gaily.

The lighthearted tune was soon peppered with the fitful grunts of a herculean effort as Smyers labored to expel what he later described as “a man’s arm clenching a lunchbox in his fist.”

“Yeah, you like that?” Smyers asked the innocuous commode as a faint plop echoed in the calm before the storm. “There’s a hell of a lot more where that came from. About ten days’ worth.

“Damn, it’s like the bottom of a sandbag just ripped out!” the delighted defecator commented, before wondering if his simultaneous erection somehow made him gay.

At press time, Smyers had added a photo of the behemoth stool in its python-like glory to his Instagram and Snapchat story, declaring it to be “hands down the biggest shit ever.”

Duffel Blog reporter Lee Ho Fuk contributed to this report.