Marines Engage In Reckless Behavior Due To Lack Of Safety Brief

CAMP HANSEN, OKINAWA — Marine Staff Sgt. Vincent Heiserman is facing the prospect of court martial today after failing to give Marines under his charge a weekend safety brief, according to his command.

Sources confirmed that more than a dozen Marines of the 31st Marine Expeditionary Unit (MEU) will face non-judicial punishment (NJP) after a series of reckless events that occurred last weekend in Kin, a town located immediately outside the perimeter gate that is a common liberty hangout for Marines off duty.

Heiserman will have an Article 32 hearing to determine if he should be referred to a general court martial for what his commanding officer, Capt. Norman Holmes, has called "a goddamn failure of leadership."

"He put people's lives in danger," Holmes said. "Sweet dreams, son."

Lance Cpl. Jesse Bell, who is facing charges for driving while intoxicated (DWI), spoke out on the matter.

"Normally, Staff Sgt.[Heiserman] would have us form up before weekend liberty was sounded and he'd remind us all that we're not supposed to drink and drive, rape, or have sex without a condom, and all that stuff."

Heiserman was running late for a meeting with the Sergeant Major, however, and simply dismissed his Marines.

"When he didn't take the time to tell us about the obvious risk of sexual intercourse without protection or setting public trash cans on fire, we just assumed it was OK now," said Bell. "I mean, how can we be sure if something is a really bad idea if we don't have a Staff NCO tell us not to do it?"

The 31st MEU top-enlisted leader, Sgt. Maj. Samuel "Judge" Dredd, took no excuses for the irresponsible behavior.

"Honestly, it's like these junior Marines are fucking retarded or something," expressed Dredd in an email to Duffel Blog. "You think they'd have some common sense, but unless you literally remind them every weekend that they shouldn't slam a handle of Jack Daniels and piss in the mayor's rock garden before flying down the Okinawa Expressway in their Nissan Skylines doing 110MPH... they're going to fucking do it."

Another Marine, Lance Cpl. Thomas Sell, is facing punishment for violating UCMJ articles 114 (dueling), 121 (larceny), and 125 (sodomy) after being arrested by the Japanese Police for challenging a local national to a sword fight with a stolen katana, and then teabagging the local after defeating him.

Sell later said of the occurrence, "Staff Sergeant didn't say I couldn't do it."

Sgt. Maj. Dredd has assured reporters that he will assume a strong, zero-tolerance policy in regards to liberty incidents. He indicated that stronger measures may be in order.

"Honestly, this is fucking nuts. We just need to keep the entirety of Marine Corps Base Smedley Butler on lock-down, before some jackass Marine decides he wants to head into town and get revenge for Pearl Harbor or something. Maybe we just have to dry this whole MEU out. They can call us 'The Fighting 12 Steps' if they want, but I will see these morons stopped."