Masters Program Turns Captain Into ‘Academicky Douchebag’

SCHOFIELD BARRACKS, Hawaii – Fellow soldiers tell Duffel Blog that obtaining a master’s degree at the prestigious Stanford University has turned Army Capt. Brian Dexter into an 'academicky douchebag.'

Dexter, currently the S3 of 525th Combat Sustainment Support Battalion, attended Stanford University through the Army’s Advanced Civil Schooling (ACS) program following his company command of 525th CSSB’s headquarters company.

Dexter was encouraged to obtain a master's degree through ACS by his battalion commander, Lt. Col. Johann Milnes, a graduate of the prestigious Georgetown University master's degree program. Milnes thought the Stanford program would present the opportunity for Dexter to improve his knowledge base as an Army leader and broaden his perspectives on important national security issues prior to assuming increasingly important positions throughout his Army career.

The young company grade officer instead devoted most of his time at Stanford taking classes that had little or nothing to do with the profession of arms.

Among the sixteen courses Dexter took during his 18 months spent at Stanford were "The Pervasiveness of Heteronormative Constructs in 19th Century Literature", "The Racist Western Impact on Near East Art, 1066-1948", and "A Statistical Analysis of Slut-shaming in American Rap."

Dexter's professors were more than happy to have the point of view of a combat veteran alongside other students without those life experiences.

"Brian was an outstanding student and first-rate thinker," said Benchley Smythe-Hammerton, an associate professor of Meso-American anthropology. "It was good to hear a new voice in the class brave enough to posit that George W. Bush was not necessarily a fascist dictator bent on world domination, but possibly just a thuggish and stupid lackey of Dick Cheney or the Zionist media machine. It is that sort of 'speaking truth to power' we value in the halls of academia."

Upon his return to Schofield Barracks, his fellow soldiers were less impressed with his time spent at Stanford.

“Captain Dex is really buying into that academicky bullshit they force-fed him at Princeton [sic]," reports his former first sergeant, Master Sgt. (Promotable) Kenneth Copeland. “Last week, he showed up at a battalion training meeting and tried to 'deconstruct the training schedule through the lens of race, class, and gender.' We had no idea what the fuck he was talking about.”

"Before he went to school,” Copeland continued, “He was really into that Lean Six Sigma shit, but that wasn’t as bad. Talking about ‘vertically integrating staff functions within an enduring organization’ may sound douchey, but at least it makes some sense to soldiers. Talking about the ‘ur narrative of esprit-de-corps within the military milieu’ during a command and staff meeting is fucking ridiculous.”

Dexter defended his new-found academic prowess in a monograph submitted to the Center for New American Security:

“In 21st Century political-military relationships, it is incumbent upon each soldier-scholar to create a sui generis understanding of his perceived role vis-à-vis policymakers and policy shapers with an a priori understanding that he will be misunderstood.”