Mattis nomination forces battlefield evacuation of Marines in Iraq overcome by giant moto-boners
OUTSIDE MOSUL, Iraq — Hundreds of Marines tasked with training and advising Iraqi Army forces have been medically evacuated from the battlefield this week after being overcome by massive moto-boners.
The medical emergency followed the announcement that retired Marine Gen. James Mattis had been officially nominated for Secretary of Defense.
That number is expected to rise, as most Marines expect Mattis to eventually give an interview to reporters where he'll mention things such as Copenhagen, killing shitheads, or beating up protestors.
Most of the Marines were taken to bases in Germany for treatment, which consisted of cold showers, forced viewing of the film "Brokeback Mountain," and a regimen of Motrin. Some of the more serious cases — those with moto-boners lasting more than 72 hours — were taken back to the United States and told they were going to be sent to 29 Palms for life-saving, motivation-killing treatment.
The major Marine bases in North Carolina and California have seen simil…
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