Mattis clears head during evening stroll, 8 killed

WASHINGTON — The Metropolitan Police Special Tactics Branch was activated Saturday night after a fatigued Secretary of Defense James Mattis took eight lives during a casual walk through the downtown area.

Calls to the 911 emergency line began coming in around 6:35 p.m. with reports of a man lying face down with a Vietnam War-era bayonet stuck through the external occipital protuberance area of his skull, as well as at least three other victims having been thrown off of the 14th Street Bridge, sources confirmed.

Police were on the scene within three minutes and encountered a male white subject in his 60s calmly tearing out the vocal chords of a demonstrator from People Power and Potluck! while simultaneously breaking the neck of a passing meter maid.

Metropolitan Police Officer Ty Runyon was one of the first people on the scene, and had only a few seconds to size up the situation and initiate contact.

“As a police officer, especially in 2017, we’ve obviously trained extensively for this kind of mass casualty situation,” Runyon said, “luckily for just about everyone involved, it was Secretary Mattis and not some loose cannon that we had to take out.”

At least 20 additional officers had their guns drawn and were ready to apprehend the suspect before realizing his identity. One probationary officer still in field training, however, was unfamiliar with Mattis and attempted to subdue him. He was subsequently disemboweled without incident.

Police spokesperson Reginald Fletcher called the situation a ‘misunderstanding’ while commenting outside the Mattis residence after officers had driven him home.

“It’s unfortunate that eight individuals were put to death tonight, and I’m sure they’ll be missed,” Fletcher said, “but lesson learned – if you encounter a stressed out or pissed off Jim Mattis, you better know who he is and stay the fuck out of his way.”