Mattis tells sailors: 'You're not pu--ies sitting on the sidelines, you're pu--ies sitting on a boat'

BANGOR, Wash. — Defense Secretary Jim Mattis gave a motivational speech to sailors at Naval Base Kitsap last week in which he told them they should be proud of their service, since they were "not pu--ies sitting on the sidelines," but instead were "pu--ies sitting on a boat," sources confirmed today.

After drinking several bottles of Jack Daniels over a 30-minute period, Mattis reportedly knife-handed the entire crew to attention and brought them to a local pub before he began speaking, according to the official DoD transcript.

"I didn't know what was happening," Petty Officer 3rd Class Neil Joelstein told reporters. "One second I'm sipping my fuzzy navel, the next I'm at attention, erect, getting insulted by Chaos and feeling honored about it."

Mattis began his talk by commenting on a chauffeur-style uniform he plans to implement for the Navy. According to attendees, Mattis noted that he and Gen. Joseph Dunford have been "working on it for a long time now," adding that SEALs would be able to keep their current uniforms, even though they were "all primadonnas" with "a damn good publishing team."

Pausing only to chug the remainder of his handle of grain alcohol, he then made the entire bar sing the Marine Corps Hymn in Latin before ordering them to give him 20 four-count push-ups.

Dismissing the visibly shaken crew of the USS Kentucky, he finished by buying shots of Sailor Jerry's. "It's the only good thing besides Marines to come out of the Navy," he said.

He then toasted the Navy as sailors finished their shots and thanked God that at least they weren't in the Army.

"You sons of bitches are all right," Mattis concluded, before leaving the bar for the night with his eight mistresses, security detail, and a to-go mug of Everclear.