Mattis Named CEO Of 'Soldiers Without Borders' Non-Profit

JAKARTA — Retired U.S. Marine Gen. James Mattis was named CEO of the non-profit "Soldiers Without Borders" in a small press conference at the Windsor Hotel, the organization announced Friday.

Mattis was the right fit for the top leadership slot, explained co-founder Ramzi ban Baladar, because of the organization’s focus on hiring military veterans to conduct its work.

“It only makes sense,” said ban Baladar to a group of reporters after the conference ended. “There are lots of ‘Without Borders’ organizations. Doctors, Lawyers, Reporters. What we realized was, what about those soldiers whose war ended, who no longer have the opportunity to carry out their beloved profession? Under the guidance of General Mattis, Soldiers Without Borders will allow those veterans to once again visit decisive, remorseless peace on needy and deserving recipients around the globe.”

Mattis did not comment or take questions after the announcement. He moved immediately into the organization’s headquarters in a high-rise in Jakarta, overlooking the port where SWB’s “mother ships” float awaiting his orders to depart and administer peace to regions in chaos. Areas under consideration include the Malaysian Straits, the Horn of Africa, the Black Sea and Florida. His orders should be issued by the end of next week.

Funding for maintenance of the ships and living expenses for SWB personnel comes from generous charitable donations by anonymous parties.

Sen. Rand Paul (R-Ky.) took the opportunity of the announcement to introduce a bill in the US Senate awarding Soldiers Without Borders a “general letter of marque,” which will allow the organization to render peace to pirates and warlords on its own authority, and recoup expenses using a system of asset seizure.

Reached for comment, Soldiers Without Borders volunteers were ecstatic at the opportunity to bestow social justice upon the world’s eligible beneficiaries.

“This is, like, the best thing that has happened to me since I got out [of the military],” said former infantry Staff. Sgt. Brandon Mabry, in the bow of one of the SWB mother ships as he waited with other volunteers for orders. “There is only one thing in my life I’ve been both good at, and passionate about: delivering final harmony where it is needed most."

Mabry said other charitable organizations he wanted to volunteer with, such as Blackwater, were run out of business by "busybody bureaucrats."

But this NGO won’t be vulnerable to [stuff] like that, Mabry said, "because we are truly multinational and funded anonymously.”