WASHINGTON — Defense Secretary Jim Mattis has made plans with his girlfriend to go out for dinner on Valentine's Day and kill everyone they meet, sources confirmed today.
In keeping with Mattis' recommendation to his subordinates over the years to not be complacent and always have a plan to kill if things go wrong, the Pentagon chief has been putting the finishing touches on a 5-paragraph order which assesses the situation, mission, execution, and other particulars of the date.
"Commander's Intent: To enjoy a nice dinner of steak, lobster, and wine before returning home to do some squat thrusts in the cucumber patch," a draft of the order reads. The order, written by Mattis with some input from his girlfriend and six of his female concubines, goes on to outline adjacent units (douchebros trying to get laid on Valentine's Day, other administration officials trying to book dinner reservations), terrain considerations (do we drive to a restaurant or plan a picnic at the end of a 15-mile ruck run?), and the enemy's most-likely and probable courses of action.
Although the order is still in draft form, sources confirmed that Mattis' girlfriend had already been briefed on the warning order for the Feb. 14 date.
"The enemy's most likely course of action is to gather intelligence and keep their distance while we eat dinner," the order continued. "It is possible that the enemy could take an opportunity to attack SecDef and/or date, at which time we both will respond with throwing knives and concealed carry pistols."
Defense officials said that planning for such contingencies with his significant other was just "all in good fun," while noting that Mattis had never actually had to execute a plan to kill anyone in the service or retail industries, except for one exception in 2011 at an Arby's in Louisville, Kentucky. The closest Mattis has come to killing a server since then was a show of force conducted at popular D.C. steakhouse The Prime Rib, which resulted in mutual deescalation following a simultaneous "catastrophic kill" of the dessert cart and "mobility kill" of the restaurant's grand piano.
Imagining nightmare scenarios and how they would react has become an important training tool for Mattis, 67, and his on-again, off-again girlfriend Gisele Bündchen. On a date earlier this month while eating chocolate fondue, for example, Mattis told the 37-year-old supermodel that, "if any shit goes down," he would throw the flaming Sterno at the waiter's face while she used the skewers to hold the other diners at bay.
When asked for comment on the leaked draft order, Mattis told reporters that he plans to come in peace to his Valentine's Day dinner, but if the waiter fucks with him and does not offer excellent service, "he'd kill them all."
Dark Laughter contributed reporting.