NEW YORK — Media organizations have produced concrete evidence linking military service members to everything dangerous that could kill your children.
Following a Huffington Post expose drawing a definitive link between PTSD-crazed veterans and violent crime, reporters have continued their investigations, now determining that the behavior of millions of veterans is similar to that of criminals using bath salts.
"This was an alarming statistic," said Julia Waters, a reporter with Huffington Post who's covered the military beat since last Tuesday. "These veterans could snap at any moment and try to eat people’s faces."
A Duffel Blog analysis of recent reporting on veterans in the wake of the Fort Hood shooting found a number of shocking revelations coming to light, including reports that everyone who deploys to Iraq for four months and sees no combat obviously needs to be committed to a mental health facility, and a new study that found veterans are eight times more likely to leave a tip less than 20% for their waitress.
"Do these heartless monsters realize just how terrible waitresses get paid?" said veterans expert Anthony McKinnon, a random guy we found outside our office who was reading an incredible new BuzzFeed report that found some soldiers actually eat at Chili's.
Noting that more than 2.6 million Americans had deployed to Iraq or Afghanistan, Waters went on to explain the sheer terror of living in a community surrounded by dangerous veterans.
"Think about it," Waters said. "2.6 million killers, their minds wracked with PTSD, ready to kidnap blonde white girls. Statistics don’t lie."
Indeed, other news organizations have produced their own share of statistics to highlight the dangerous trend that soldiers are Americans, and sometimes they kill other Americans.
"There are many other dangerous facts about veterans the public needs to be aware of," wrote McClatchy DC reporter Chris Adams in an article highlighting the many terrifying "PTSD hotspots" surrounding communities with families — there's children there for God's sake. "For example, there are more reports of shark bites near Navy bases than Army bases. Landlocked countries without navies report zero shark attacks on their beaches. From the data it’s clear Navy sailors attract man-eating sharks."
"They also drink heavily and probably engage in butt chugging," he added.