Medics Pushing Controversial Motrin-for-All Healthcare Plan

FORT JACKSON, S.C.—Medics at the 34th Infantry Troop Medical Clinic may disagree about primary season, but they are united in one cause: their agenda for free Motrin for all soldiers, regardless of race, class, gender, injury, liver functions, or amputations.

“Every soldier should have access to Motrin as a basic right,” said Spec. Greg “Burn” Sanders, the group’s collaborative, unelected chosen spokeshuman of the day. “For far too long, we’ve connected Motrin with having specific injuries or lack thereof. Now, we’re uniting to advocate for Motrin for all soldiers and their families.”

Though not officially endorsed by the Army, the medics at the TMC have begun to give Motrin, and only Motrin, free-of-charge, to anyone reporting to the clinic for injuries such as torn ACLs, as schizophrenia, elephantitis and priaprism. Medical costs initially rose considerably, but leveled out within six weeks when soldiers stopped reporting to the clinic.

The medics are hoping to give dependents, contractors, and host-nation soldiers the same level of Motrin they’ve been receiving.

“A two-year-old dependent shouldn’t be getting some weak-ass 200-mg Acetaminophen chewies when their sponsor is getting those dope 800-mg ibuprofen tablets,” said airborne instructor and mother of two Sgt. First Class Ashley Foster. “We need to hook these kids the fuck up.”

While the group is hoping to gain support from the other branches of the military, a group of Navy Corpsmen at Parris Island have advocated for a market-based sock-exchange program.

“We believe that you should have freedom of choice and keep the (foot) coverage you like.” Said Hospital Corpsman Second Class LePaul Ryan. “You should be able to change your socks as often as you want without government interference.”

A survey of drill sergeants consulted preferred that any plan the military selected would offer the option of drinking two canteens of water, taking a knee, and facing out.

Duffel Blog correspondents Taco McGibblets, AndieDiGianni, and Jack S. McQuack contributed to this report.