GLENMORE ROAD ARMORY, TROY, NEW YORK — Many have tried to unseat him as the reigning champion, but Spc. Maxwell Baker has managed to retain a world record time for "gay chicken" for the past several years, sources confirmed today.

Baker, an infantryman with the 42nd Infantry Division, currently holds a record of holding his bearing over two years, four months, one day, and five hours while demonstrating progressively more homosexual behavior against his fellow soldiers.

According to defense officials, "gay chicken" is a game often played by heterosexual infantrymen, which involves two players pretending to act gay in an effort to get one of them to back away or break their bearing.