Meet the Army’s elite, Top-Secret admin unit

FORT BENNING, Ga. — In 1972, a crack admin unit was issued a letter of reprimand by a military court for a clerical error they didn’t commit. These men promptly escaped from a mountain of paperwork through some quick bureaucratic footwork. Today, still wanted by the government, they survive as clerks of fortune. If you need to correct an error on your service record; if no one else can help clear up that pay issue; if you catch them before lunch; maybe you can finally get that travel voucher processed by… the B-Team.

After years of operating in the shadows, the daring exploits of the Army’s 75th Adjutant Regiment have finally been declassified. Duffel Blog sat down with the brave soldiers involved. [Editor’s Note: Due to the danger these men face, both from vengeance-seeking foreign entities and the U.S. government itself, we have agreed to protect their identities by using pseudonyms.]

“These are the finest soldiers I’ve ever had the pleasure of serving with,” said former unit commander, Steve Anderson, who is rumored to have done three tours pushing paper for the Green Berets, “Greg Johnson once filed an award write-up the very day he received it. And old Jimmy ‘Machine Gun’ Reynolds types 97 words per minute, on account of the fact he has six fingers on each hand.”

Anderson spoke highly of the elite commando unit’s ability to deploy inside an air-conditioned trailer behind friendly lines, anywhere in the world, at a moment's notice.

He recounted his role in the infamous Bay of Pigs Invasion when the 75th exercised its expeditionary muscle, processing the after-action reports from the business-class section of an airliner circling over Miami at 35,000 ft.

“I remember that the air was choppy that day,” Anderson started, trailing off slowly, a lump growing in his throat, “And the stewardess had to cancel the food service when the ‘fasten seatbelt’ sign lit..

“War is hell.”

“I’m just glad I can legally come out and tell people what I did for a living,” said Nelson from accounting, taking a deep whiff from his inhaler, “I know we’re not supposed to because of the fatwas and such but who cares? The babes love loose cannon bad boys who just don’t play by the rules.”

Nelson went on to claim that Paramount has already optioned the screenplay based on his unreleased tell-all. “I’m going to be played by Hollywood sex icon, T.J. Miller!” exclaimed the 64 year-old cryptozoology enthusiast.

The men of the 75th say that it was dangerous work, and that it was common for troops to be on 100 percent disability after their time in the service for carpal tunnel, inflamed tailbones, and extreme eye strain.

“This line of work really destroys your body,” shared 20-year admin veteran, Thaddeus Clyde, who earned three purple hearts for severe battlefield papercuts. “That’s the dirty secret that they don’t tell you about 36-lb bond paper.”

The men overwhelmingly claimed that despite the hardships they faced, the peril they survived, they would do it all again for the good of the nation.

“It’s a selfless line of work,” Anderson closed, “We filled out a lot of valor awards in our day.

“But never our own.”