Opinion: I Serve My Country By Staring At Anuses All Day

The following is an op-ed written by Dr. Melvin Weems, a physician serving at Military Entrance Processing Station Albuquerque, N.M.

Though most people associate serving one's country with being a soldier out on the front line of the battlefield, I'm here to tell you that there are other patriotic Americans, including myself, who have our own unique ways of serving this great nation on a daily basis.

Some people provide comfort to our troops stateside and abroad by volunteering with the USO. Others help out by working with the Wounded Warrior Project, or putting time in at the local VFW. And as for me, I help ensure that our fresh recruits are fit for full duty by observing a seemingly endless parade of exposed anuses here at the Military Entrance Processing Station.

That's right. Each day from 0700 to 1600, I'm ordering hundreds of young men to turn around and spread their cheeks to determine whether their anuses are worthy of military service. It's a job that requires a keen eye for detail, and I can assure you I've evaluated hundreds of thousands of anuses of all shapes, sizes and colors.

I'm talking everything from anuses that come fresh off the farm, to anuses straight out of the inner city. From the anuses of rich kids with something to prove to their folks, to those homeless and dirt poor Antoine Fisher anuses that have nothing left to lose.

Yes sir, if it's in-processing through this MEPS, if it wants to serve its country, and if it's an anus, odds are I've seen it.

I've seen about a million pair of testicles, too. But right now I'm focusing on the anuses.

Now, one can't be willy-nilly when picking which anuses get to continue on to boot camp, and which get sent packing back to mom and dad's house. And while I could go over a list of rather unpleasant physical ailments and deformities that can potentially lead to the disqualification of any given anus and the recruit it's attached to, I find that the most important quality of the anus to evaluate is its character.

When eyeballing a new anus, I ask myself whether the orifice I'm judging is the kind I'd be willing to entrust with my life, or if it's just some attention-seeking anus looking for all the perks that come with the uniform, but that wants none of the responsibility. I question whether it looks like an anus that can withstand the heat of battle, or if it's merely an anus that will pucker up and quit the moment that conflict rears its ugly head.

And, whenever I detect that any recruit’s anus is lacking at all in heart, courage or resolve, then I look that recruit square in the eye and tell him, "No need to keep walking around on the floor like a duck, young man, I’m afraid your anus isn't good enough for Uncle Sam."

Anal piercings are also a disqualifier.

Of course, I'd be lying if I said that staring at anuses all day doesn't get monotonous. In addition, I've unfortunately found that describing my passion for anuses tends to attract the wrong demographic of potential dates on my Match.com profile.

But if all that’s part of the cost of serving my country while making sure I help pack the military with the best and brightest our nation has to offer, then I'll keep staring at those anuses, and I'll keep politely declining to send photos of my penis to all those strange men.

And so, America, take comfort in knowing there are lots of us out there doing our part to help serve this wonderful nation in the best way we know how. And, if ever you should encounter any soldiers, sailors, airmen or Marines who started their journey in the armed services by way of MEPS Albuquerque, then be sure to buy them a drink.

Trust me, you'll never encounter a finer bunch of assholes.