Mess hall commander fired due to 'loss of condiments'

The commander of a military dining facility at Bagram Airbase was fired this week due to a "loss of condiments" within his command, according to a Resolute Support Mission press release.

Col. Sonny "Saucy" Soucy's relief comes amid a string of high profile firings within the Department of Defense in recent months, although officials with knowledge of the matter say his case was "by far the spiciest."

"On the surface, the DFAC's tables always seemed to be stocked with the essentials — ketchup, mustard, hot sauce, salt, pepper," said a Marine officer stationed on the base who asked to remain anonymous for fear being reduced to eating MREs. "But when you dig a little deeper, you realize the ketchup had always 'just run out.' The new shipment of barbecue sauce was always 'coming in this weekend.' Sounds like this guy really got himself into a jam."

No details have yet been released regarding specifically which condiments were lost during Soucy's tenure, but some reports indicate they may have included ones as high profile as mayonnaise and Sriracha.

"There's a thousand little islands of criminal activity spread throughout the area, so he could have been selling condiments to any number of gangs," said deployment food expert Cpl. William Howard. "I wouldn't be surprised if he was making money selling sauce to Abu Harissa."

This isn't the first time Soucy's command has been investigated for culinary crime. In October 2019, the Special Inspector General for Afghanistan Reconstruction investigated him for spending over $400 million to stock the DFAC with 250 different flavors of ice cream. However, they cleared him of wrongdoing after concluding it was "totally worth it" and "honestly, more productive than half the other shit we've spent money on."

Some say the decision may have been politically motivated. Gen. Austin Miller, the commander of US and NATO forces in Afghanistan, prefers Frank's Red Hot, but Soucy's dining facility rarely served anything but Texas Pete.

"I don't relish the pickle he's in," added Harvey, "but that's war."