Michigan to host first Space Force Militia

They already have about 10 cases of freeze-dried astronaut ice cream.

By W.E. Linde

HILLMAN, Mich. — History was made this week as the nation’s first Space Force Militia stood up a headquarters in Hillman, Michigan. Staffed out of a repurposed three-bedroom, two-bathroom mobile home, it is currently nestled between the M-32 Subway sandwich shop and a local VFW about an hour from Camp Grayling National Guard Base.

Approximately 12 members of a local Michigan militia volunteered to cross over to be the first home-grown Guardians. During the activation ceremony on Friday, the new quasi-legal military force, per tradition, stood at attention for both the national anthem and Lee Greenwood’s God Bless the U.S.A. This was followed by the raising of the Space Force Militia flag, which depicts the U.S. Space Force emblem crudely stitched over a Confederate battle flag.  

“The U.S. Constitution says that we’re supposed to have a militia to protect our rights,” said Militia Gen. Nathan Bedford Potts, commander of the 1st Space Force Militia and owner of Potts Discount Muffler Service. “But nowhere in that sacred document does it say that militia should only be ground forces. Whatever the Feds have, we believe there should be a militia one, too. We’ll help defend this country when necessary, but also be a bulwark against tyranny whenever a Democrat gets in office.”


Capt. Terry “Mule” Perkins, Gen. Pott’s executive officer (and chief muffler mechanic) showed off the MSF’s “operations center.” Situated in the living room area of the trailer, the Ops floor boasted a gently used Toshiba laptop and an impressive view of Elkie's Collision auto repair.

“We’re getting in a supply of rocket stuff next week,” said Perkins. “We’re pretty new at this space stuff, so for safety’s sake, we’re going to have a series of exercises starting with bottle rockets and quite a few M80s. We plan to build up to our first rocket launch capable of reaching the U.S. Post Office in Lachine, which is almost 10 miles away.

“We’ve also got like 10 cases of freeze-dried astronaut ice cream. We was gonna get a deal on like a thousand pounds of Tang, but some of the younger members giggled so hard, we decided to skip it,” Perkins added while glaring at two members who appeared to be about 16 and were failing to stifle laughter. “It’s like they don’t have any respect for the fine German Americans who helped America beat the Russkies to the damn Moon!”

“If all goes well, we expect to send a man into orbit next year,” Potts added with his fingers crossed. “We don’t have a volunteer yet, but I bet we can get [Major] Gary [Vasser] to go. He’s had nearly half a case of Bud today, and I bet he’d volunteer this very second.”

“Hell yeah!” said Maj. Vasser, his slurred voice rising from behind the Ops Center couch.

At press time, the activation ceremony had transitioned to the time-honored tradition of congregating in the field behind Pott’s Discount Muffler and shooting AR-15 rifles at caricatures of Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton.

Jack S. McQuack contributed to this story.

W.E. Linde writes a lot. Former military intelligence officer, amateur historian, blogger/writer at DamperThree.com. Strives to be a satirist, but probably just sarcastic.

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