MOGADISHU, Somalia – Expressing "genuine, head-scratching befuddlement," a spokesman for Harakat al-Shabaab al-Mujahadeen (Al-Shabaab) confirmed today that new recruit Ali Abu Kasam most identifies with sixteen year-old aquatic heiress Ariel, princess of Atlantica.
Kasam, who completed the ten-part BuzzFeed questionnaire ‘Which Disney Princess Are You?’ as part of his induction into Al-Shabaab, is now facing possible ejection from the notorious terror group as a result of his controversial similarities with the free-spirited, headstrong, teenage mermaid, in addition to calls clamoring for his permanent disfigurement and genital mutilation.
Reading Kasam’s quiz results aloud, twelve-year old Omar Zwihari stated, “‘You are a dreamer who is always thinking of the next big step in your life. Some may think you have set your sights too high, but your friends know you are capable of anything.’”
Described by peers as an inquisitive, bright-eyed and ambitious young man, the assessment appears to be congruent with Kasam’s optimistic and cheerful disposition, though ultimately at odds with traits espoused by the extremist splinter cell of the Islamic Courts Union, which generally seeks applicants most like Princess Jasmine of Agrabah.
“Sounds like we have a freethinking, dinglehopping, ideological rebel in our midst, if you ask me,” declared Malik Ibn Mohammed, a baby-faced soldier of ten summers, angrily brandishing a dinted, bloodstained machete.
“Well, it’s certainly fishy, to say the least,” concurred the seasoned veteran Zwihari.
Some maintain the rigorous composition of the popular BuzzFeed quiz misled Kasam into achieving unsatisfactory results. Such questions included "What is your favorite Disney movie?" "What do you look for in a soul mate?" And, most importantly, "What is Happily Ever After?"
“Well, the obvious answer to each of those questions is: ‘Lady and the Tramp,’ ‘a sense of adventure,’ and ‘in finding my equal,’ duh!” Mohammed spouted. “We all got Jasmine, who is ‘daring and adventurous,’ and ‘considered the daredevil of the group.’ We all ‘enjoy having fun, taking risks and living life to the fullest!’ Allahu Akbar!”
“Yeah, it’s fairly obvious that [Kasam] is not pure of heart,” Zwihari added.
“He's just a kid, for crying out loud,” said Homza Al-Shubar, an eighteen-year old considered by many to be a decrepit, rambling invalid. “Of course he’s going to be in a little over his head.”
Kasam, for his part, has been contemplating the aid of a local witch doctor in an attempt to better conform with his new surroundings.
“Anything to get a leg up, really,” he said, before adding, “At least I didn’t get Aurora. She’s so fucking helpless.”