US Prepares Massive Shipment Of Thoughts And Prayers To Kurds

WASHINGTON — In the latest expansion of US humanitarian aid to besieged Kurdish Yazidis and Christians in northern Iraq, President Obama said this morning he would be sending a massive shipment of thoughts and prayers, sources confirmed.

“Let me be clear: I am asking all Americans to contribute their thoughts and prayers, which I have directed the Secretary of Defense to deliver to the Kurds any way possible, as long as it does not involve boots on the ground, or any kind of strategic planning," Obama said in a statement from The White House.

Pentagon spokesman Rear Admiral John Kirby indicated that the thoughts and prayers would be airdropped from four C-5 Galaxy aircraft from the 337th Airlift Squadron, a component of the 439th Airlift Wing (the “Patriot Wing”), out of Westover Air Reserve Base in Massachusetts.

Loadmaster Staff Sgt. Dustin "Pedey" McCarthy said, "This is why I joined. Those poor bastahds need these wicked bad."

“With contributions from around the country, we expect enough thoughts and prayers to fill half an oil supertanker,” Kirby said. “That should sustain the Kurds through the long siege as winter in the mountains sets in next month, and the ISIS troops warm themselves around bonfires made from Yazidis who didn’t get into the mountains.”

Kirby told reporters that in addition to thoughts and prayers, the U.S. would also provide pallets of tactical hashtags, a George Clooney awards acceptance speech, and a segment on “The View.”

Sources also told Duffel Blog that the White House was bringing “extreme pressure” to bear on Facebook to create a “dislike” button that could be field tested against ISIS websites.

“The president is prepared, if absolutely necessary,” Kirby added, “to fire as many as 25 AGM-65 Maverick missiles at ISIS targets and decoys.”

“Assuming,” he concluded, “we can unmothball enough A-10s and get basing rights to launch them.”

At press time, the White House was rumored to be mulling a presidential “red line” finding, which would authorize something or other, but not definitely.