Military Bans Tobacco Products To Improve Combat Effectiveness In Afghanistan
BAGRAM, AFGHANISTAN — The Pentagon is unveiling a new policy banning tobacco products for most troops in Afghanistan that planners believe will improve combat effectiveness.
"We are always trying to find new ways to increase the lethality of our combat forces," Pentagon spokesman Col. Jack Taylor said. "In an unconventional war, sometimes you need unconventional thinking."
The theory behind the ban originates from Dr. Eugene Watson, military physician and former smoker.
"Nicotine withdrawal has many symptoms which can be utilized by the military," explained Watson. "It involves feelings of irritability, frustration, and impatience. In clinical terms, it straight-up fucking sucks."
The military hopes to use withdrawal symptoms as the newest weapon against the Taliban.
"I swear I'm going to kill someone," said Marine Sergeant Phil Holmes, 23. "Actually, I have. Seventeen in my last firefight. I think they were bad guys. For the love of God, I need some Copenhagen. I will kill every last pers…
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