Military COIN experts claim they can stop protests in just 17 years
WASHINGTON — Military experts in counterinsurgency and nation-building claim they can bring nationwide protests against police brutality under control in just 17 years, sources report.
“The unrest in our country is something we can fix, no problem,” Bob Egon, CEO of the Center for Perpetual War, said today. “We have a civilian population upset at their government. They're overwhelmingly peaceful, and they have a positive view of the US Military. This is a situation we've dealt with many times before.”
“If we send in the troops now, we can have these protesters making IEDs inside a week.”
“We had some random guy in the office say we'll be greeted as liberators, so we just went with that,” Robert Hasselkopf, another CPW analyst, said. “The American protestors have nowhere near the military capabilities we do, so we'll be sure to end up in a quagmire, give up, and claim victory in 15 to 20 years.”
CPW's plan relies on three tried-and-true strategies: 1) Not enough troops; 2) Not enough equipment; and 3) No plan.
“First thing we're going to do is send the troops into our cities,” Egon said. “We haven't thought past that, but the boots on the ground will figure it out. Mission command. Commander's intent. And so on.”
“Once we've destabilized the region, we need military contractors to stabilize it again. I recommend this list that just happens to include some of our donors. We're a non-profit.”
Critics of the plan claim there is no justification for using military forces on a civilian populace.
“Don't worry about it,” Egon said. “Once the economy is back in full swing this war will basically pay for itself. That's a terrible way to look at the lives that will be lost for no reason, but you don't make an omelet without breaking a few eggs, am I right?”