Military Conspiracy Theorist Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter

SOMEWHERE IN CYBERSPACE—Infamous military conspiracy theorist and U.S. Marine Corps veteran John Lazarus has a problem: He can’t believe it’s not butter. Moreover, Lazarus has a new theory that he’s been sharing across Reddit and the rest of the internet: It is butter.

Lazarus recently told his dozen of followers, “I knew this one went deep when I saw the stuff in the mess prior to me being NJ—I mean, choosing to leave the Corps because my eyes were opened to the realities of so many monstrous actions.

He added, “Just do your own research bro. You’ll find the truth.”

Lazarus was administratively separated three years ago after he glued a bearskin rug to himself “to get in the mind of a Sasquatch, so I can catch one, man!” Previously, Lazarus had gone UA to Scotland in search of the “Loch Lomond Monster,” telling other Marines that “Nessie is a smokescreen!”

Lazarus’ former roommate isn't surprised about the latest drama. “He used to keep a fridge full of butter,” Lew Nixon said. “He’d take some out, and rub it on rolls of tinfoil, talking about weird conspiracies like they were true.”

Lazarus say the fake butter is real, insisting he has "top secret lab results” to prove it, but he can’t release them or “Big Lard” will kill him. He has lashed out online, writing on 4Chan, “You’re all trapped in the butter churning machine, bro. U HAVE ZERO CLUES AS TO WHAT THIS IS! WHEN THE TIME COMES, IT’LL BE PPL LIKE ME PROTECTING EVERYONE’S RIGHTS WHEN THEY COME FOR UR BUTTER!”

A spokesman for Land O’Lakes describes Lazarus's conspiracy notion as “horrible,” but Lazarus's disagrees. “It's marginal,” he said.

Contributions were made to this article by Joe Zieja.