'Military coup' wins poll of troops in a landslide

THE PENTAGON — A poll of active duty and recently retired members of the armed services suggests that an overwhelming majority would prefer an armed overthrow of the government rather than see the election of either major party candidate. The poll was conducted by Quinnipiac University in the days following the Democratic convention.

When asked whom they would vote for during the 2016 campaign, 78% of servicemembers picked “other.” Nearly all then chose "military coup" from a list of options that also included Joe Biden, Ted Cruz, Jill Stein and “a massive earthquake that wipes out life in North America.”

When retired Marine Corps Gen. James Mattis was included on the list, he was the most popular write in. However most of those who selected him also called for him to lead the armed rebellion against the United States government.

Libertarian candidate Gary Johnson came in a distant 3rd, but still far ahead of Republican candidate Donald Trump or Democrat Hillary Clinton, or any other option that didn’t involve the possibility of civil war.

Senior leaders from the military services were not surprised by the poll.

“I think it’s just young people having fun with pollster,” said Navy Secretary Ray Mabus, as he repeatedly eyed the two Marine security guards standing near his door.

Army Chief of Staff Gen. Mark Milley was even more dismissive.

“Soldiers are stupid,” he said with a laugh. “They’ll do anything to get attention.”

Only Gen. Joseph Dunford, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, seemed to consider the information seriously when asked for comment.

“It’s disturbing yes,” he said. “But I don’t think it’s as bad as everyone is making it out to be. We’ve all taken the oath to obey lawful orders and uphold the Constitution.”

“Besides, with sequestration and all the troop cuts do you really believe we could take over our own government even if we wanted to?”