THE PENTAGON — After years of unsuccessful efforts to address entrenched racism and sexism in the ranks, the Pentagon stumbled upon a surprisingly effective solution that has virtually eradicated these issues across the services: All organizational climate surveys have been eliminated, effective immediately. This includes previously completed surveys as well, which reduced complaints of sexist or racist behavior in the military to zero percent.

The Department of Defense has long used Organizational Climate Surveys (DODOCS) to help determine whether service members were subjected to the toxicity of sexual or racial discrimination. The inability to address issues highlighted by these surveys has been a point of embarrassment for leaders across all branches. So the decision to wipe the slate clean was met with enthusiasm from most senior officers.

“We really have to credit the Commander in Chief on this one,” said Gen. Mark Milley, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. “He thinks very differently than we do in the military. Last week I mentioned to him how important it is that we deal with these issues, especially in light of what is going on across America. He replied, 'Without those climate surveys, we would have very little racism or sexism.' I was blown away.”

“The solution was in front of us the whole time,” said Brig Gen. Michael Bender, a Pentagon spokesman. “For so long, these climate surveys have shown us that racism and sexism are undercutting readiness and robbing some of our members of rewarding careers. Well, problem solved, soldiers!”

In addition, any workplace complaint hotlines or Inspector General investigations related to race or sex were to be discontinued, since these also lead to racism and sexism.

Not everyone is applauding this solution, however. A statement released by the Military Women’s Coalition voiced outrage and asked how military members would be held accountable when they crossed the line.

“Those chicks need to relax,” responded Bender. “Commanders will still be motivated by what’s good for mission readiness, so no worries there.”