Company Commander Suffers Existential Crisis After Losing Green Notebook

FORT BRAGG, NC — A company commander with Echo Co., 2nd Battalion, 505th Parachute Infantry Regiment has locked himself in his office and refused to come out after his psyche was apparently shattered by the loss of his treasured Federal Supply Service green notebook, sources confirmed Thursday.

"At first it was a normal day," said 1st Sgt. Joseph Quincy,…