FORT BRAGG, N.C. — Womack Army Medical Center is still struggling to cope with the influx of patients into its overflowing emergency room, which sources say is due to soldiers playing a drinking game during the first presidential debate on Monday.
Since late Monday, every doctor, nurse and medic on the post not affected with acute alcohol poisoning has been ordered to the hospital to triage and treat thousands of afflicted soldiers. According to reports, more than 7,200 soldiers and DoD civilians have been hospitalized, while hundreds remain in critical condition.
Military installations across the country are reporting similar conditions, with mass casualties reported at every major base.
“It didn’t seem like... like there would be too much drinking in this game,” said Lt. Gen. Stephen J. Townsend, the post's commanding general, after vomiting for 11 straight minutes on the lawn outside his office. “But then they talked and whoop. Whoop. Where did the whiskey go? I drank it. Fuck you.”
The drinking game, popularized on social media, had caused a rush on every liquor store in a 50-mile radius in the weeks prior to the debate. Even stocks of Malibu and well tequila had started to run low by Monday afternoon.
While the rules of the drinking game varied depending on the group of soldiers, most required players to drink every time a candidate did or said something, such as when Hillary Clinton trivialized a national security breach, or any time Trump puckered his lips into something resembling an anus.
Many finished their drinks each time Trump responded to a question by combining nonsense, talk of his property, half-truths, and phrases that would prompt a 2nd grade English teacher to recommend tutoring had it been uttered by a 7-year old.
Other prompts for drinking came every time Clinton stared at the camera with her "cold, dead, vampire eyes," according to one soldier, along with any time moderator Lester Holt tried to elicit direct answers from the candidates with all the efficacy of a retarded person teaching a cat to do math, and whenever Trump leered at his daughter Ivanka while fidgeting behind the podium to adjust his erection.
Base officials say ambulances started responding to calls just 18 minutes into the debate.
The crisis got much worse for many soldiers who took a full shot of liquor after they realized their crushing sense of grief, and the loss of any semblance of dignity still left in the American political system.
Pentagon officials are thinking of banning military personnel from watching the second presidential debate, since many feel it could prompt a defeat of the United States on the Korean peninsula, Iraq, Syria, and in the South China Sea.