PHILADELPHIA — A new study from the Wharton School of Business confirmed what millions of employees around the world have known for decades: injecting military jargon and metaphors into your normal work day validates your otherwise completely pathetic existence. The study, conducted by Professor Leonard Lodish, appears in the May issue of the Journal of Applied Behavioral Science.

"When I pore over a 10MB Excel Spreadsheet or tell my team to work 20 hours a day for absolutely no reason whatsoever, I feel a special kinship with America's service men and women," said IBM senior manager Tom Wood, a participant in the study. "If I had to make a direct comparison to the level of dedication and sacrifice needed to succeed at my level, it would be the Bataan Death March."

Instead of actually performing a job that is personally fulfilling and universally admired, test subjects — who ranged from telemarketers and middle managers all the way up to Fortune 500 CEOs — could casually slip a "locked …