BETHESDA, MD – Dozens of Naval Support Activity (NSA) Bethesda commuters have expressed their frustration while waiting to drive onto the installation this morning, as it appears that cocky little Master at Arms (MA) standing gate guard is really taking his sweet fucking time scrutinizing both sides of every goddamned ID handed to him.
“Get a load of Seaman ‘Ray-Ban’ over there, holding up IDs to match the face like we’re at Threatcon Delta or some bullshit,” said Chief Hospital Corpsman Lorenzo Cliff, as he waited ten cars back while watching that arrogant little E-nothing scour over common access cards (CAC) like some Jew-hating Gestapo demanding Gypsies show their papers.
“It’s not as if those of us who actually work for a living have to be at muster on time, though, right?” Cliff added from the driver’s seat of his 1992 Ford Festiva. “So I really don’t mind just farting along here, hoping to cross the gate by lunchtime.”
“I was going to give him the benefit of the doubt, but it looks like he doesn’t even have one of those CAC scanners that takes extra time to process each ID,” Marina Neuheisel, a Navy spouse who was concerned about not being one of the first customers to show up on time for the start of the Navy Exchange's summer clearance sale, said of the self-important little asshat.
“So, basically, fuck that guy,” she added.
In addition to the inordinate amount of time the as-yet unidentified MA has spent poring over each and every CAC like it was the Rosetta-fucking-Stone, other commuters have been complaining about the manner in which the kid (who probably couldn’t hack SEAL training and ended up the pathetic Navy cop he is now) has been rendering salutes to officers.
“I just love how he pops to full-on attention and slowly salutes every officer crossing the gate like he’s standing goddamned honor guard duty at some war hero’s funeral,” said Yeoman 2nd Class Tyler McNeil, as he waited in line at the gate to receive his blessing to actually go to work and do his fucking job.
UPDATE: At press time, a majority of those who had made it onto base said their opinion of the kid standing gate guard had changed for the better after he checked their IDs and welcomed them onto the installation.
“I really appreciate the way he said ‘Welcome to NSA Bethesda’ as he handed back my ID,” said one commuter. “He’s just doing his job and keeping us safe.”