Military Quietly Phasing Out Horse Meat MREs

CINCINNATI, OH – Following a series of tightening regulations by the Department of Defense, the military's leading food producer has quietly put out a notice recalling its Meals Ready-to-Eat made exclusively from horse meat.

According to Wornick Foods, it will no longer produce the Hamburger Horse Meat MRE, unofficially referred to by troops in the field as "The Seabiscuit Special," thanks to new Department of Defense guidelines that all MRE's must reflect cultural norms.

Wornick will also be removing the popular Spicy Mexican Horse Meat, as well as the Cheese and Horse Meat Omelet MRE's from circulation later this month.

The Hamburger Horse Meat MRE has received a large amount of negative publicity ever since it was featured on the Food Network show Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives. The MRE was specifically singled-out by guest host Lance Corporal Eddie Gutierrez, a self-proclaimed "foodie" and "fine foods fanatic" who is also a Marine TOW Gunner at Camp Pendleton.

Gutierrez complained that the MRE was "a tough, chewy sampling of questionable cuts," selected from "medium-grade stock at best."

Wornick spokesman Raymond Dickens explained, "Our usual response to negative feedback is to add more tasty supplemental items to the MRE so the troops can at least enjoy something. Unfortunately the Hamburger Horse Meat MRE proved so unpopular that the last version we released had to contain three packets of chocolate peanut butter and a syringe full of morphine."

While the DOD has traditionally saved money in the past by outsourcing its horse meat production to various Romanian "Mom and Pop" slaughterhouses, recent scandals have forced the DOD to reevaluate its policy.

Traditionally horse meat has been an essential ingredient in up to 50% of MRE components, such as beef, pork, chili, meatballs, vegetable lasagna, dried fruit, pudding, and blueberry cobbler.

The DOD guidelines would also prevent Wornick Foods from bringing back the popular Dog Meat MRE, which was discontinued in the early 1990s when its South Korean manufacturer went bankrupt.

At press time, Wornick was still evaluating whether the policy also applies to its African Macaroni and Cheese, Polish Tacos, or Soylent Green MRE's.