WASHINGTON — A RAND Corporation study has concluded that less sleep for military service members will equal more productivity. Despite the claims of scientist, doctors, and service members themselves that sleep is vital to success, the Department of Defense has labeled these claims as evidence of “weak genes.”

In the wake of the study, the military plans to increase energy drink consumption by 500 percent across all services and make Adderall, a popular pill used to increase focus, a more accessible alternative to normal nighttime rest.

The DoD is excited and hopes this unofficial, nonsanctioned, unregulated, and almost certainly illegal experiment will give service members the extra edge that can’t be reached with old fashioned shuteye. Not only will energy drinks help each service complete more tasks, the Adderall boost will give them the focus they need to complete those tasks to “government standards,” which is the highest rating standard attainable.

Representative Samuel Davids from…