Millennials are killing these 7 military traditions

1. The Phalanx

Why do millennials hate the ideal military formation, one that managed to create an offensive infantry juggernaut while protecting against frontal assault and cavalry? We don’t know. But nowadays, these snowflakes can’t fight a war without getting on their phones and calling air support or EOD robots to help them out. Google this one, kids, and thank us later!

2. Driving Home Drunk from the O-Club

First they want to let any street urchin with four years at a community college become an officer, rather than a high-born, literate landowner with a deep purse and large tracts of land! And then they take away the only social club entirely devoted to these affluent, well-connected individuals in the name of fairness? Poppycock! Where else might these poor souls share stock tips and discuss the polo matches while getting blitzed and driving home in their Benzes? What’s next, our country club? Congress??

3. Strategic Bombing of Civilian Population Centers

Blah blah blah some nonsense about hearts and minds in counterinsurgency. Spoiler alert: Nobody can join the insurgency if there’s nobody left.

4. Landing on the Aircraft Carrier like a Man

Back in the good old days, we crashed into the back of the boat at night and it built character! These kids weren’t good enough to land a jet on a postage stamp back when they were playing Top Gun for the NES and they aren’t good enough to do it now. Magic Carpet and VSTOL are unnatural and from the Devil.

5. Meaningful Medals

The generation of participation trophies demands awards just for showing up. You enlisted? Congrats, here’s a Nat Defense, GWOT, and an Army Service Medal. Not like the good old days when every soldier was actually so badass that entire regiments received well-earned Medals of Honor for reenlisting.

6. Colonial Mercantilism

They hate imperialism with their “free trade” “cruelty free” beans. How do they think they get their iPhones? Idiots.

7. Winning Wars

These dumb millennials have to go and ruin our perfect war record* because they don’t have what it takes to finish America’s longest wars. I don’t care that you were just a 19 year-old PFC in 2003, Kevin! If you had any initiative, you would have been battlefield promoted to general during your first deployment and figured out how to take home the “W.”

*Vietnam was a military victory. The politicians lost the war, dammit.