THE PENTAGON — The Military Police Corps wants the country to know it is ready for action if the Insurrection Act is invoked. But deeming tear gas and bear mace “ineffective,” the MPs have sought an upgrade. Starting July 4, military police and security forces units will training with high tech fart sprays.
“Having spent the past two decades being deployed to FOBs all over the Shitholeistans, our expertise on ways to overcome the human sinuses are world class,” says the spray's inventor, Major John Flatchuelance. “With them feeding us only MREs, the bombs going into those latrines were epic. I mean, serious chemical warfare if you ask me.”
“Those of us brave enough to use the latrines were paralyzed for days afterwards.”
After seeing how ineffective current policing equipment is, Flatchuelance began thinking about alternatives.
”Tear gas and bear mace are only effective up to an hour,” he said. “Meanwhile downrange, soldiers were puking and suffocating left and right for days on end. Then it hit me: Why can’t we just put that digested-MRE latrine material in a spray bottle?”
Critics have voiced concerns over compliance with the Clean Air Act and the possibility that the new fart-sprays could irritate lungs or kill protesters.
“I get some of those concerns, especially dead protesters,” he said. “But, let's be real, cops are gonna do that one way or the other.”
“But I think this could save many lives. No one is gonna want to protest for their rights once they get a whiff of this stuff.”