Multiple Marines hospitalized after birthday ball venue loses liquor license

WAIKIKI, HI — Personnel from 1st Battalion 3rd Marines were shocked and sickened last night after learning the venue hosting their birthday ball celebration failed to renew its liquor license in time.

Multiple Marines at the Hyatt Regency Waikiki were overcome by massive alcohol withdrawal, resulting in ambulances from three downtown firehouses, as well as several neighboring stations being dispatched out.

Witnesses say a large group began gathering in front of an unmanned bar, while frantically waving dollar bills and debit cards. One Marine said it seemed like a heartless joke the staff was playing on them at first, but it quickly escalated into a scene of mass casualty.

“I’m like ‘what the shit’?” said Lance Cpl. Cuauhtémoc Hernandez-Aguilar; a mortarman from El Segundo, California. “Where’s all the frickin’ booze? Then all of a sudden, fools are straight falling out.”

Within minutes, Honolulu’s Emergency Communication Center was flooded with overwrought 911 calls for service, as anguished Marines succumbed to the shakes and nausea before falling to the floor.

“There was puke everywhere – I mean everywhere!” said Pilipo Kalani; an EMT from Station 29. “We roll in there thinking that these guys are Marines – they’re supposed to be tough, right? Not the case, brah.”

A fire department spokesperson said they were soon forced to pull an ambulance box alarm, resulting in more than 20 of their ambulances being tied up while tending to the ailing Marines.

Honolulu Police were also on the scene, and told Duffel Blog the Hyatt was cited for local ordinance.

“It was a complete clusterfuck," one officer said, on condition of anonymity. “How the hell do you pack a bunch of jarheads in a room, bake ‘em a cake, pump up the jam, and then serve ‘em Shirley Temples? That’s a thousand dollar fine every day on my watch.”

More than 50 Marines were transported to Tripler Army Medical Center within two hours of the first 911 call being placed, and while some were treated and released, the majority were admitted.