YOKOSUKA, Japan — U.S. Navy Commander Jeremy Fogelson is the guy to call when it comes to a nuclear reactor core meltdown. But when it comes to love, ladies are looking elsewhere.
Fogelson is still single even after multiple tours in Japan, temporary duty trips to the Philippines, and four voluntary individual augmentee assignments in South Korea. But he is unsure why this is since he views himself as quite the catch. He has achieved many things in his storied, 18-year-long career in the Navy. His achievements include earning a master's and PhD during his time in service and completing several rigorous schools like Navy Prototype. Still, he brings more to the table than his military accomplishments.
At five feet, nine inches tall, he is of average height for a “US male and far taller than a Japanese male,” he says. And he takes pride in his appearance, having an immaculately groomed mustache and always wearing dri-fit polo shirts when out of uniform. His style is practical yet professional, reflected by his love of wearing Vibram toe shoes with casual clothing. He prioritizes a healthy lifestyle and has many hobbies like collecting figurines, hiking Mount Fuji, and visiting hostess bars.
“I have a job and no diseases, and I am really smart,” Fogelson explained. “Smarter than some Chad who just cares about football and beer. I care about culture and art, which is why I love watching 1980’s anime and playing Tekken.”
Despite these rare qualities, not everyone finds Fogelson’s predicament unbelievable. A fellow Navy nuclear engineer, Lt. Cmdr Alana Khampheng Thammavong, recalls a recent interaction with him.
“We first met at a conference, and he asked me to go to a tea ceremony with him, but I explained that I don’t like to date coworkers,” Thammavong remembered. “He seemed upset and asked how old I was, and when I said 33, he told me I was getting too old to be so picky. It was just a really weird interaction.”
Fogelson looks back on this event differently.
“Personally, I think I was doing her a favor. She is like, Thai or Cambodian or something. Most guys like me prefer fancy Asian girls like Japanese or Koreans,” Fogelson paused to adjust his Neon Genesis Evangelion belt, threaded through the loops of his cargo shorts. “With that stuck-up attitude, she is going to wake up one day, and bam, she will be too old to bear children and no man will want her anymore.”
Outside of the workplace awkwardness, Fogelson has made several efforts to find love. Last month, he placed a Craigslist ad for a companion that read, “High value, TALL, white, military man in search of a good wife. Must be Japanese or Korean. I will accept Filipina, but only if you are of very high value. I will not elaborate since you should know what that MEANS! Being able to cook is required. No single moms. No jobs, I will support you. No diseases (NOT JUST STDs!!!!! No diabetes, fatties!) No fat girls. Must know some English. No one over 28, I don’t buy expired milk, why would I want you?!??!?! Virgin is preferred but not required.”
Thus far, he has not received any responses but expects to hear back soon.
“I figure it is only a matter of time,” he said. “A lot of Asian guys hit their wives, and I would never do that. I think that is why a lot of Japanese girls marry guys in the U.S. military. Plus, they want a better life in the United States, the land of opportunity.”
After a beat, Fogelson added, “Besides, most of the best ones don’t really speak English anyway.” Fogelson clarified that he is not interested in dating a woman of any other race.
“White women don’t learn to cook anymore because they are taught that they should have careers. Black women talk back, and I am not going to have my authority questioned in my own house, especially not when I am paying for everything. I suppose I would settle for a Latina, but only if she could cook and was religious enough to have remained pure past age 18.”
Though it has not been verified, it can be assumed that Fogelson himself is also pure, untainted, and still truly virginal.
Gray Sea Liu is a former Naval Officer, current smart-ass.
I gotta admit, I'm so old that I had to Google the clothing\footwear references. Except for the cargo shorts, which may or may not be found among my personal effects.
Gee, thanks. That was an hours long rabbit hole, what between Filthy Frank and Papa Meat. And I mean it. That's some funny shit.