The following is an opinion piece written by the MyPay website of the Defense Financial and Account Service.

So you want to log in, eh? Maybe check your Leave and Earning Statements? Download that W-2 so you can get a tax refund, you broke-ass welfare queen of a servicemember who needs to pay your car off at 38% interest? Well then, just log on in! If you can find the right icon to press on my catastrophe of a home page that is. Did you know that it is especially engineered just for the U.S. Government by innumerable monkeys typing eternally on infinite keyboards?

They never knew when I had begun to live. They were blind, and I feasted.

ERRHNNT! Wrong! You need to use the virtual keyboard to log in! Oh no…you forgot your password didn’t you? I’m sorry that your miniscule simian brain can’t remember a simple 14-character long clause with at least two symbols and numbers. Don’t worry, you can always just plug in your Common Access Card and enter your PIN, that’s only seven numbers, so I’m confident that even you can do it.