Nation shocked to learn top spy agency spies on people

WASHINGTON — The nation is in a panic after discovering that the Central Intelligence Agency — also known as the "CIA" according to recently-declassified documents — may be spying on people around the world.

The revelation comes alongside a stunning collection of leaked documents by WikiLeaks, Russia's top news agency, which released a staggering 8,761 classified documents last week in a collection mysteriously known as "Vault 7."

Dwarfed only by the size of Congress' new healthcare bill, the collection of documents contained droves of material detailing the CIA's spy programs, including a comprehensive list of emojis that can be made using a standard computer keyboard — keyboards which may also be hackable by the Agency.

Among other shocking discoveries from Vault 7 include ideas that smartphones, which govern and take input from nearly every facet of American's lives, could potentially be used by either the CIA or 13-year-olds to gather information about users in ways other than clicking "I agree" when an app asks for permissions over the users' entire life.

"This should scare anyone and everyone who uses electricity," said Edward Snowden, a former NSA contractor-turned American mail-order bride now living in Moscow. "I recommend not having any conversations near light bulbs or even motorized toothbrushes."

Other revelations in the WikiLeaks files indicate that there is a chance that certain software may be vulnerable.

Apps, which are made out of complicated protocols called "code," can apparently be "broken" by people who mysteriously understand computer languages. Where the CIA learned about the existence of such cryptic technologies was not part of the leak, but some anonymous sources have postulated that it may have been from DARPA, the US government organization that literally invented the internet.

WikiLeaks' founder Julian Assange is adamant that his organization's actions are a service to the general public.

"Now that the public is aware that the government has the capability to do what is readily available to children on the internet, people will probably stop using their smart devices entirely," Assange said, before momentarily pausing. "Which I guess is probably not good for my organization."