National Guard Stands Ready To Defend Constitution, Conduct Vehicle Maintenance

ARLINGTON, Va. — As budget cuts hit all levels of the U.S. military, leaders in the Army National Guard Bureau are fighting back against fiscal hawks in Congress by highlighting the service's long history of defending the constitution and conducting vehicle maintenance at least one weekend per month, sources confirmed.

"These soldiers meet one weekend a month for drill and two weeks in the summer for Annual Training to prepare for deployment along active-duty counterparts," said Gen. Steven Perchman, a top Guard officer. "While many active soldiers look down upon their Guard counterparts, their sacrifice and bravery is integral to the defense of this nation."

He added: "If we didn't have these guys out here once a month driving Humvees to the gas station for a road test, America would fall apart."

On a press tour of a local National Guard armory, soldiers wowed reporters with their contributions to the fighting spirit of the U.S. Army.

"I swore an oath to defend this nation and uphold our constitution, and I really feel like my service is integral to the defense of our nation's ideals," said Spc. Thomas McMillan, a driver in the 452nd Transportation Company, while watching NCAA football in the company office.

"Every time I go to drill and wait in line for three hours to dispatch a truck, spend another two hours lining up the trucks, drive to the gas station and get some bear claws and Monster energy drinks, and then get back and we spend an hour trying to park the trucks on-line, I know when I'm doing these things that I'm living up to everything George Washington and his brave soldiers did at Valley Forge."

Sources confirmed at least one young private spent roughly 30 minutes of his drill time watching helmet-cam videos from combat in Afghanistan.

"Hey, yo, Steven, check out this video of combat in Afghanistan!" Pfc. Aaron Ellis told his platoon sergeant of footage found on the Funker530 website. "I've never been deployed, but this is pretty fuckin' sweet!"

The scene was quickly interrupted after the company first sergeant attempted to corral soldiers to conduct squad-level training exercises. However, he was overruled by the company commander's instruction that the unit conduct a four-hour sexual harassment class per the battalion commander.

After the class, soldiers were instructed to sweep up and mop the drill hall floor that they would dirty up the next day.

At press time, the commanding officer released his soldiers at around 4p.m. Most soldiers were seen running to their vehicles complaining about "how fucking long today was," while gunning to be the first to arrive at Buffalo Wild Wings for happy hour.