WASHINGTON — To help secure public safety and recruit new soldiers during anti-Trump protests, the D.C. National Guard psychological operations branch deployed its recently-acquired arsenal of taco trucks, sources confirmed this morning.
“We received the trucks as soon Trump won the election,” said soon-to-be-fired, or maybe already-dismissed, or who knows Adjutant Gen. Errol Schwartz. “I thought Trump’s surrogate Marco Gutierrez was a fool with his racist comment about taco trucks on every corner. But our Psyop brains flipped the truck idea to bring in new recruits.”
Flanked by reporters, Schwartz apparently licked his lips in anticipation of some righteous tacos de pescado being served up on I Street beside burning cars.
“The cars are not my problem,” said Schwartz. “Wiping salsa off my uniform is my problem.”
Though few people expected Trump to win the presidency, the military procurement process was too far along to be stopped after his victory in November. The trucks — each with a unique Chicano- or vato-themed design — were pre-deployed to Fort Eustis, Va., on Thursday before occupying practically every street corner on Capitol Hill.
The trucks didn’t come with billets for cooks, so the Guard quickly ran a recruiting campaign in Spanish to find chefs experienced in the art of al pastor, carbonitas, and talking up Army Special Forces as the best job in the world.
It was wildly successful, bringing in more than a thousand new cook-recruiters who sell tacos and lies to potential enlistees.
“I used to serve fake Mexican food to puta bureaucrats from Health and Human Services and the FBI,” said Pvt. Hermano Gutierrez, a former cook at Chipotle who was the first recruited. “Now I'm dipping my MexiBalls into the food just like before, but I do it in this truck wearing this fine uniform. The conchas sign right up after they’ve tasted my tacos testículos.”
At press time, more than 40 protesters had enlisted in the Guard, soon after they had their fill of carne asada.
“I’m shipping out tomorrow,” one former protester-turned-Army-enlistee said. “I’m sure I’ll disrupt the system from within by winning a rationally-based political argument with my drill sergeant.”