KENOSHA, Wis. — Members of the Wisconsin National Guard say that they never truly appreciated the beauty of the city of Kenosha until they saw it burning to the ground. The city in southeastern Wisconsin has seen several days of bitter riots following a controversial police shooting.
While the National Guard was originally called in to restore order, its soldiers have alternated cracking skulls with cracking books to learn more about this hidden gem along the shores of Lake Michigan.
"I had no idea that Kenosha was the fourth largest city in Wisconsin, or that it had such a rich and amazing history," said Staff Sgt. Martin May of Union Grove, a military policeman with the 32nd Military Police Company, as he dodged a brick being thrown at his head.
"Yes, you Nazi racist," shouted Sushila Acharya, a protester who owns a homemade pottery store near HarborPark. "Many of our businesses are proud to offer active-duty military and veterans a 10 to 15 percent discount on purchases. You can use the extra money to get your Klan robes cleaned."
"Wow! Thank you, you fucking Antifa cunt!" May replied. "I'll be sure to visit next time with my family." He then proceeded to slam Acharya's head into the pavement, while noting the extremely convenient business hours of the nearby Kenosha Public Museum.
Maj. Gen. Paul E. Knapp, Adjutant General of the Wisconsin National Guard, said that in between putting out fires and clearing burning vehicles from intersections, he enjoyed taking a trip along the lakefront in one of Kenosha's meticulously restored electric streetcars.
"I think we as a state and as a nation, need to take a long hard look at Kenosha and ask, 'Why don't we have an annual kite flying festival, or a local renaissance fair?" Knapp said. "Why can't I take my soldiers to Choo Choo Charlie's and get affordable Americana cuisine delivered on model trains?"
He added that the only thing more alarming than the several people killed at a local gas station the other night, was that he had never visited Kenosha's famous Dinosaur Museum, or it's 150 year-old Southport lighthouse.
The preceding article was sponsored by the Kenosha Chamber of Commerce. Come plan your Kenosha adventure at: https://www.visitkenosha.com/