WASHINGTON D.C. — Leading think tanks from across the American political spectrum heroically volunteered to deploy this week in a surprise assault on Taliban positions in Kabul, Afghanistan.

“I have criticized U.S. foreign policy for decades, but with the chaos I see in my Twitter feed I realized it was time for me to put down my phone and stand up for freedom,” said Randolph Mortimer of the Heritage Foundation. “I haven’t been this worked up since the Reagan administration’s decision to withdraw from Lebanon,” Mortimer added.

Mortimer, a specialist in South American microeconomics, said he decided that the situation in Southwest Asia required academic expertise. “I’ve been studying fluctuations in Bolivian monetary policy for twenty years, but now I have important opinions on Afghanistan.” Mortimer went on to note that he read a book about the Vietnam war during an elective in college.

“At Dartmouth, we explored how the American withdrawal impacted U.S. credibility and the balance of power during the Cold War. I will not stand idly by while a Taliban domino effect happens in Central Asia.”