Native Americans not really interested in COVID masks US Army keeps sending

“The masks are unwarranted, unwelcome, and frankly, a little suspect.”

WINDOW ROCK, Ariz. — A recent U.S. Army initiative is being criticized as tone-deaf after numerous shipments of face coverings were rejected by Navajo Nation reservations nationwide and returned to sender, sources confirmed today.

The Army made multiple attempts to get the Navajo Nation leaders to accept unwelcome shipments of the masks, which officials said were critical in fighting the COVID-19 pandemic. National Navajo leaders became suspicious after reports surfaced that reservations across the nation had received unusual and slightly-opened shipments of masks marked ‘courtesy of the U.S. Army.’

“The masks are unwarranted, unwelcome, and frankly, a little suspect,” said Jay Stalkingwolf, a spokesperson for the Navajo Nation. “We didn’t even order them. They just started arriving out of the blue so we sent the shipments back, but they kept re-sending them to us with no explanation.”

“We’re not falling for this again!” he added.

Support Duffel Blog

Navajo Nation, which sits adjacent to Camp Navajo Army Base in Bellemont, Arizona, is the nation’s largest Native American reservation with over 16 million acres of land that could theoretically hold dozens of Army facilities and barracks with enough space left for additional bombing ranges.

The Navajo land is primarily rural and could hypothetically be used for development, base expansion, or acquired through eminent domain,  an Army official said.

“We had a lot of surplus masks so we decided to help these fine Navajo people who also happen to have a lot of unused land on their hands,” said Lt. Col. William “Bill” Trent III, who manages base expansion efforts. “We also found some blankets and neckerchiefs in storage so we included those along with the shipment of masks. Why would they reject blankets? Who in the world is afraid of blankets? It simply makes no sense.”

Kenny BigFoot, another spokesperson for Navajo Nation, has tried to open a dialogue with Army officials to help resolve the matter but has so far been met with silence. 

“We have no reservations about the Army officers making reservations to come here to talk about issues regarding the reservations receiving unsolicited items from the U.S. Government,” BigFoot said.

“We know what’s best for these folks, said Maj. John Teasdale, Camp Navajo supply manager. “They need to accept our help in the form of these untampered-with COVID-19 masks. We don’t want them to be overwhelmed with COVID-19 and end up being quarantined in special camps, so we are offering them these completely trustworthy masks. What will it take to get these people to accept the masks, a case of whiskey?”

Story written by Paul Silk.


Share

Leave a comment


You may have noticed this looks different than what you’ve seen in the past. Instead of a short blurb, you’re getting the entire story right here in your inbox or on the web. That’s because Duffel Blog has transitioned from a website to an email newsletter. We are asking readers to subscribe for a little more than $1 per week.

You’re not seeing any ads, popups, or annoying calls to “Click here to learn this one WEIRD trick!” Why? Well, times are tough in digital media, even more so for a tiny operation like Duffel Blog. Advertising rates have plummeted on the web, and social media companies have throttled our content, making it increasingly difficult for loyal readers like you to see our articles.

So we are cutting out the Zuckerberg-Dorsey social media-industrial complex and turning directly to our readers and asking you to support Duffel Blog — preserving the American military’s most-trusted news source and making sure the laughs keep coming for the men and women in uniform, veterans, and their friends and family.

Your support will help pay our team of military veteran writers and help us write even more high-quality satire. And paying subscribers can join our community in the comments and will eventually get behind-the-scenes access to Duffel Blog staff and invites to live virtual events.

So if you value what we do, please support us in our mission. Thank you.