WASHINGTON, DC — Following a Pentagon study into homosexual acts committed by sexually-deprived soldiers on deployment, the Navy is quietly rescinding a century-old order commonly paraphrased as "It's not gay if it's underway," sources confirmed today.

The results of the study were met with outrage, particularly from the Chief’s Mess, which prides itself as a bastion of naval heritage.

“Those daggone suits in Washington just had to go and royally screw a fine Navy tradition,” said Chief John Phillips. “I bet not one of them could even tell you where the term ‘salty’ originated.”