WASHINGTON — Secretary of the Navy Kenneth Braithwaite announced the Navy would be shifting to a paperless administration system with mandatory paper copies, sources report.
“We need to streamline the Navy,” Braithwaite said to reporters earlier today. “Our previous attempts at reducing paperwork have created an exponential increase in the amount of paperwork sailors have to do. From this day forward, we're turning that around. We will have a completely paperless system.”
“With mandatory paper copies.”
An anonymous source claims the mandatory paper copies were added to help personnel offices continue to leave important papers in their inboxes for weeks.
“I heard stories of PowerPoint briefs displayed on three $20,000 monitors, with paper copies printed out for everyone in attendance,” Braithwaite said. “Things like that are ridiculous. Under the new system, everyone will have two paper copies in case someone loses theirs.”
In response to hearing a new paperwork reduction policy was in place, Navy offices ordered ten times more printer paper than normal.
“We've done this before,” Lt. Lacey Adams said. “Any time a policy tries to change something, expect the opposite. I'll spend even more time waiting outside the offices of higher ranking officers while they ignore me and look at memes.”
“This is great,” Master Chief David Alvarez said. “I like the idea of a paperless system, but I need the hard copy to cross out random words and reject for no reason. It's just how I like it. I've been doing this a while and I'm not going to change, regardless of policy.”
Upon hearing the news, the Navy Warrant Officer Association announced they had never filed paperwork before and they weren't going to start now.