America’s Navy: Are you going to finish eating that?

THE PENTAGON — Hey, thanks for making it out to meet me for lunch. Sorry I’m so out of breath. Apparently there’s an actual Gold Star mom somewhere around here, so I had to park a few spots farther down.

Anyway, you probably heard that we’re changing our service slogan — oh, you should definitely get the fish tacos, I always get at least twelve. Two? What are you, on some kind of diet? No? Catholic guilt about something? Alright, suit yourself.

Where was I? Right, new motto. “A global force for good” is kind of … Well, let’s not sugarcoat it. It sucks. I mean, if anything, we’re a “regional” force for good. I can’t believe that one slid through the cracks.

“Globe-shaped force for good?” Ha, ha, very funny. In the Navy, we change the standards so we don’t have to change ourselves. Hold on, let me write that down.

So, I was thinking, “America’s Navy” – are you going to finish eating that?

No, of course that’s not the slogan — well, actually, that might work — but seriously, are you going to eat that? Sorry, I’m not trying to stare at your food, I’m just amazed at how slowly you eat. Well, let me know if your dainty tummy gets too full, and I’ll take that off your hands.

This is awkward.

Anyway, I’d love to hear your thoughts on possible slogans, maybe brainstorm a little, or maybe just even brainbreeze. It’s just really hard to make the Navy sound badass, you know? It’s not like back in the day when sailors were hardcore, salty motherfuckers slinging cannonballs and fighting hand-to-hand, or loading up 16-inch guns to flatten Asians.

How about, “Navy: Still more military than the Air Force?”

Oh, right, I forgot about the patrol boat incident with Iran.

Thank God we have the Marine Corps, right?

Wait a second, I think we have a winner.

Jay-B and Lee Ho Fuk contributed reporting.